By that I mean this article by Relevant magazine.
I'll let the article speak for itself.
[EDIT]
I originally found the article on Emry's page. I know I'll never find satisfaction until I can be satisfied in Christ.
~~~~
Satisfied in lesser gods
Lesser things
Of each have wings
Taking flight within sight of your senses
Mind bend this
To Gods will
Be still
Be
Still
Just finished watching this Korean variety show called "Happy Together" the Singles Special. Basically the show interviewed popular Korean males in the show biz and how they handled their singleness. A normal day for them included working out, taking care of their pets, or studying more in their craft.
One of the guest told of handling his loneliness by pretending people were at his home. Another guest said he almost slipped and hurt himself and that made him think, "what if I really hurt myself? Since no one's here, what would happen to me?"
In another segment of the show the guest were asked what annoyed them the most about being single. The response was unanimous:
"When people say, what's taking you so long? It's time to get married."
Mind you, these guest were between the ages of 35 and 45, very popular actors or singers in Korea. My mind raced... why are they single still? They are successful, they have things going for them... but why? Is it due to their success or the thought that they don't want to burden a women because of publicity or whatever?
Of course this show cut deep. At 29, I've never been in a relationship. I go back and forth saying that I'm fine in my singleness, but the truth is... it's lonely.
I think sayings like "Wait on the Lord" or "God has someone for you" have screwed with my head. I mean I understand them, and maybe God does have someone for me, but how do I know? Is this me doubting God and His ability to... I cant even find the right word... provide(?), bless(?), me with someone?
And what if God doesnt have someone for me? When someone tells me that, I become a little cynical and think, "How do you really know? Has God told you that?" And is "waiting" really mean not being proactive? Am I just too picky in my choice of women? And of the many women who have come and gone in my life, would any of them have worked out if I did something differently?
Ehh, that last question... I gotta stop living in the past.
Im Jin-ah, model and singer from the group Orange Caramel... and she's my pretend girlfriend.
My co workers caught a glance of her on my phone so I did what any guy would do... play the ruse.
A "roommate" introduced us.
Now everytime I look at my phone they think I'm talking to her.
This article definitely explains why my creative process is like a mess.
Many thoughts vie for my attention. Some are greater than others. I find myself straying from poetic pieces associated with the things of God for other aspects of life i.e. love, hate, sexuality, life, death, ect ect...
It is at that point I ask myself questions like, "whats the point of my writing then if not for the Lord?" Or "if I don't write for Him/His glory, is it then a waste of a God given gift?"
I often have the idea that if it's not used to please God, then why do it at all?
I write to get thoughts and ideas out. I write cause... no one will understand me, but put it to paper and pen, and at once it becomes a shared experience--the audience immediately sees themselves in that situation. They understand and for me, that a confirmation that I should keep going, keep writing.
For the sake of the audience. For the sake of me... and my sanity. My... messy mind.
Caught the co worker in a lie. His story went...
"...this happen just recently... then last year when he went to light the fireworks and..."
So which is it? Recent or last year? Unless you can go back in time, don't give me garbage. Interestingly, the thought came to me:
Why do we tell stories? Why do we insist on "one upping" each others story? Why are some stories unbelievable and some we accept as truth?
A term for chugging a beer and passing it along. Coined from Kuya Mark's beer crew. I believe I've had about 10 or so beers at maybe 2-4 ounces each, but it was the tredmilling that done me in.
I'm willing myself to stay awake, but heavy breathing, elevated heart rate, flushness, dry chap lips.... I am successfully drunk.
Fudge bar, this is not good. Neither is it a good feeling. Head is pounding and I want to both sleep and throw up. Fudge...
http://appellationbeer.com/blog/words-to-describe-the-beer-you-are-tasting/
1. Words to describe malt flavors: Malty, biscuity, breadlike, grainy, rich, deep, roasty, cereal, cookie-like, coffeeish, caramelly, toffee-like, molasses-like, malt complexity, smoky, sweet, autumnal, burnt cream, scalded milk, oatmeal, rustic, layered.
2. Words to describe hop flavor and bitterness: Piney, citrusy, grapefruity, earthy, musty, spicy, sharp, bright, fresh, herbal, zippy, lemony, newly-mown lawn, aromatic, floral, springlike, brilliant, sprucelike, juniper-like, minty, pungent, elegant, grassy.
3. Words to describe fermentation flavors deriving from yeast: Fresh-baked bread, clovelike, bubblegum, yeasty, Belgiany, aromatic, tropical, subtle, fruity, clean, banana-like (and for some sour or extreme beers) horseblankety, earthy, musty.
4. Words to describe conditioning (carbonation): Soft, effervescent, spritzy, sparkling, zippy, pinpoint, bubbly, gentle, low carbonation, highly carbonated.
5. Words to describe body & mouthfeel: Rich, full, light, slick, creamy, oily, heavy, velvety, sweet, dry, thick, thin.
6. Words to describe warm ethanol (alcohol) flavors from strong beer: Warm finish, heat, vodka, esters, pungent, strength.
Blessed beyond interruptions
Cold granite walls and dusty wooden ceilings
Are the trappings of Fabien's cell
His
Home away from hell
Hell being the home he left in Étretat
A haven of tourist near the beaches of Normande
Where boys considered men came to die for Freedom
Where his great grandfather bled out an existance with his three sons amidst a ragged war of worlds
Where his father made a livelihood hocking rustic bread to weary travelers
And where he, Fabien, long for more than sights could behold.
Had a history lesson over a simple filipino breakfast of coffee and sweet sticky rice wrapped in banana leaves. According to Mercurio history, my lolo (uncle olivers dad) was a great communicator and had a way with words when it came to the rebels in Philippines. Likewise the Mercurios are a friendly and easy going family, but light a fuse under us... and we will blow up!
Also, our ancestry can be found all the way to Sicily and the men are unusually good at being playboys. Life now makes a little sense.
No wonder I can't choose a bias. Nana or IU? Uee or Youngji? And I cant forget Kara's Suzy!
Perhaps it's the mead flowing in my veins, the cool, Cali December night, the sounds of laughing and tagalog that fill the living room...
...but I feel good. Better than a few hours ago. What was that? A tantrum? Something came over me. Sonething utterly stupid and foolish. But I'm alive. Full of food and mead and thankfulness.
But perhaps it's the mead.
... im slightly inebriated. Two little things got me pissed off. Socks and missing game boards. Of all things. Yes.
Mom and justine just left for ray luminares house. Told them to come back for me. Just beat the hell out of some clothes then threw them into the corner of the room. My heart and head are thinking stupid things.
Like hanging myself from the ceiling fan. Like taking the cleavers in the kitchen and plubging then into my chest.
Im not in my right mind. Im not in my right mind.
God... help me.
[EDIT]
The feeling has passed. Now, im just exhausted. Anger and frustration takes a lot out of you. Now I just have a mad headache. Obviously due to the mead. Well, at 14% abv... im just gonna sleep now. My head hurts bad.
God... help me.
"How do you do it," Jon asked frustratingly.
"Do what," replied Alex, giving that same quizical look he always gave when he knew exactly what you were asking.
"How did you two move from a close friends to the 'love of your life'? It makes no sense!"
"Dude, not even. I'm telling you, it's all God. He led us to each other."
Jon rolled his eyes, "Oh, don't give me that bulls-"
"Im serious," Alex said, the tone in his voice sharpening. "Let down your pride, your self conceived notions of what you think is a love life and let God handle you. He'll make it happen in His time."
"That's the problem," Jon scoffed, "what if His time is too late? What if this supposed time happens and I'm already dead? You know it's already spread right? I'm dying, you fool! So I hope you can excuse my frustration, but if my soon to be death isn't a legitimate reason for concern well then... Well then hell! What am I to do, huh?"
It's as if singleness
Is a curse to the world
Like my status is comparable to being taboo
Well to that I say, screw you, kind sir.
Im afforded opportunities
That you cannot do in your marriage
Travel by day and sleep by night
No night time fights
No split bank accounts
No amount of marital woes
Why?
Cause im single
and you, sir?
You're done.
~~~~~
God, it's too early for this kond of stuff. They piss me off, my co workers. As if I dont already fully recognize my singleness. God I know that marriage, girlfriends, and the like only hold power on this earth. In heaven, they wont even be needed. Yet knowing this, why does it hurt me so? What are you teaching me in this situation? Humble me, Lord. Open my ears, mind and heart.
[EDIT]
The Lord reminded me to be thankful in all circumstances and to take things with a grain of salt. Im too "prickly" when it comes to these subjects. Perhaps I should rehearse what I would say to shift the conversation to something less "vulgar" or more "uplifting." They are married men, men of sinful natures like I except that I am in my singleness. Perhaps I could turn it into a learning moment? A moment to learn how to be a gentleman and a Christian. Make them one and the same.
The salvation of souls. During Hillside Faiths service we heard the conclusion of Pastor Ramiahs sermon, "Red: The Color of Christmas." Totally gospel centered! Then before the service was over we heard a special number by the John Glenn Musicians Club. Such talented youth, how much more if that talent is given to God? I can pray and follow up on them.
At Pilipino Community Church, my family and I warched as the choir danced and sang from the cantata "Christmas is Forever." It was good to see familiar faces again and be reminded of songs and narration and dance steps. Ian is a great narrator and Herveen is wonderful singing a solo. It's too bad I was sitting too far to get good shots but I got enough.
I miss singing all the lolas (grandmas) and reuniting with my former church members. Some have gotten skinny, others a little round, some married, some engaged, and some single. All in all, God is still moving at PCC and thats all I could ask for.
Prayer request from PCC members:
-Pastor Matthew Q. For strength and for rest. He has a lot on his plate, but is still going strong.
-Dan V. The evangelism ministry and lifestyle evangelism. Also his evangelism ministry in Phillipines.
So many good, wonderful a great memories made today. Now it's up to us believers in Christ to follow-up on our visitors and guest.
So exicted tonight. I may not have found a person to come with me, but I know the Lord is with me. I honestly believe the Lord wants me to be here alone and just experience Him deeply.
Lord, I'm feeling dry. Fill me with the Spirit. I long for a deep sense of You, Lord. Holy Spirit come fill me with such a desire for You. Jesus make Your name greatly known tonight!
...let me not fear You, but love You for You are God. Fill me today. Let me encounter You today and share this encounter with whomever comes my way.
...and she's probably way out of my league and taken. I guess it didnt hurt to try.
But with me! Yikes. Justine as videographer and editor. This is either going to be uber awesome... or epic fail.
Either way, it just happened! More details to follow.
No, I didn't see this one coming
It suddenly snuck up on me
I can't say you didn't tell me so
I can't say you didn't warn me
I can't take the pain of knowing that I left You
I can't bear the shame of knowing I was wrong
But I'll take the blame for everything that I've done
I can't take the pain of leaving you alone
Of leaving you alone
I was there when they accused you
but I guess I was too afraid
Not just once and not just twice
But three times I denied your name
I never thought I'd get even a second chance
But you've given that and so much more
And then for every time I ever did deny
You ask me if I love you, You know I do, Lord
So I'm off to follow in your steps
it won't be easy, it's safe to say
There are only two roads I can walk on down
The road less traveled is the one you paved
Lord, You took the pain even though I left You
And You took the shame and You made it all Your own
Why'd you take the blame for everything that I've done?
Lord, You took the pain
You and You alone, You and You alone.
Two tickets and Im looking for someone to go with. Honestly Im kind of mad that all the people I thought would go, said no. But upon closer thought.. maybe thats a good thing.
Maybe God just wants me to be alone with Him. No distractions, just pure, holy, worship. And I cant complain. It is afterall Jimmy Needham and Jeremy Passion. Two of my favorite singers! Ill have to get them to sign my cds again!
Excited already!
[EDIT]
My sister asked me, "Why don't you ask Steph?" Who?
Then it hit me, she did like Passion and Jimmy Needham, but ask her? Ha, that won't happen. Im sure she heard of the concert. She'll probably be there. Or not. Who knows?
December 17, 2014
Salt and Light
by Charles R. Swindoll
Matthew 6:1-16
Ours is a tough, rugged, wicked world. Aggression, rebellion, violence, cutthroat competition, and retaliation abound. Not just internationally, but personally. What is true in the secret council chambers of nations is also true behind closed doors of homes. We are stubborn, warring people. Outside of riots and war, studies have concluded, the most dangerous place to be is in the American home! With domestic violence and child abuse on the rise in our hard, hostile society, one might wonder what possible influence the servants of Christ can have.
What impact---how much clout---do the poor in spirit, the gentle, the merciful, the pure in heart, or the peacemakers actually have? Such feeble-sounding virtues seem about as effective as pillow fighting in a nuclear war.
Can our presence do much good? Isn't it pretty much a wasted effort?
Jesus, the One who first painted the servant's portrait, both in words and with His own life, did not share this skepticism. But neither did He deny the battle. Remember these words!
Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when men revile you, and persecute you, and say all kinds of evil against you falsely, on account of Me. Rejoice, and be glad; for your reward in heaven is great, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you. (Matt. 5:10-12)
Our Lord admitted that the arena of this world is not a friend of grace. Nevertheless, strange as it may seem, He went on to tell that handful of Palestinian peasants (and all godly servants in every generation) that their influence would be nothing short of remarkable. They would be "the salt of the earth" and "the light of the world." And so shall we!
So far-reaching would be the influence of His servants in society that their presence would be as significant as salt on food and as light on darkness. Neither is loud or externally impressive, but both are essential.
Without our influence this old world would soon begin to realize our absence. Even though it may not admit it, society needs both salt and light.
God has called us to be light-and-salt servants in a dark-and-bland society.
Excerpted from Day by Day with Charles Swindoll, Copyright © 2000 by Charles R. Swindoll, Inc. (Thomas Nelson Publishers). All rights reserved worldwide.
© 2014 Insight for Living. All rights reserved worldwide.
"Intelligent is sexy." ~Maria Orlova
"God wrecked my life." ~Kisses From Katie, Family Life
...you wake up. Obviously. So apparently God wanted me to see a few things via Facebook. Things about being single and developing this season of singleness, things about who not to let into your life in the coming year (or ever), and encourage and laugh with people. I will address these one by one.
My singleness. As long as I can remember I've always long for a girlfriend. As I got older that evolved into longing for a wife. I think what screwed me up was 1) reading a book called "I Kiss Dating Goodbye" amongst other Christian dating books. And 2) unrealistic, relationship goals/methods/ideas.
The thought for me was, I was single because either it wasnt time or my sinful habits. Other times I played the scenario sessions in my head and talked myself into screwing up relationships. Sign of a good writer? No, sign of a idiot, foolish and neurotic. God forgive me for such foolishness.
As for developing myself in my singleness, I find that leading my mom and sister to be one of the perfect ways to lead my future family should the Lord provide. I've learned now that if I want to lead them, I first have to be lead by the Spirit, to the Word of God, knowing my position in Christ as His child, ambassador, His beloved (and my favorite cause its my name translated) His Judge with a Message to the Saints OR His Saint with a Message of Judgement.
People in Your Life. I've had toxic people throughout the years and I'll admit, I've been one toxic MoFo myself. But Im learning to prune. One thing Ive come to learn and apply is that "you dont need many people in your life, just the right ones" And I thank God for the right people:
(In no particular order) Janelle, Justine, Ruth, Roy, Kuya Mark, Herveen. That right there... solid!
Finally, to encourage and laugh with people. I believe God made me an encourager. I mean I've seen and been through some crazy things in my life and I firmly believe though things helped me in encouaging and laughing with people but also to understand in a way that... well for all intents and purposes, is kinda creepy. For example, when someone post something via social media thay catches my eye, I stand back and think, "why did they write/post/blog about that? What is this person going through? What word of encouragement do they need? "
Is that wierd to think that way? Well, I dont know anyone else who thinks like that so... yeah. It's wierd. Then again, I claim I'm wierd so it's all good!
Better wierd than the normal! Ha!!!
I will say though, when I do put myself in others shoes like that... it's tiring. And you can only say and do so much before you say, "I can no longer help you. Help yourself!" Is that rude? Maybe for some, but for me, its a teachable moment.
-Dont spread yourself thinly.
-Work on yourself first.
-Work on your relationship with God first.
-Work on His Kingdom and for His glory.
And all these things shall be added onto you. Well, then... what can I do except that which God calls me to: Be an encourager/prayer warrior/shoulder to cry on, bring in flourishing people in your/my life, and finally develop myself in my singleness in preparation for my marriage.
Thankfulness is the word of the day. Celebrated 2 birthdays, Brother Rico's 50th and Tatay Arsenios 75th.
Thoughts....
-Life is too fleeting to be dwelling on the then and there. Live, love, laugh in the here and now. And from time to time... learn from a little bit of here and a little bit of there.
- Silence is definitely golden
-If one who is a speaker loses his or her voice, whether temporarily or permenantly, can they still be called a speaker?
-Forgiveness is a powerful tool
-No matter what, we are all "prone to wander" and "Lord, I feel it" but not now, as I sit at your feet.
-The best laid plans are the ones God approves of. Other than that, it is chasing the win at best.
-Christians are the best "salve[ers]" on any situation cause any and all their predicaments point to Christ. Good and the bad. By the way, see what I did there? I made a pun-ny. Wah waaaahhh...
-Sleep is most satisfying. Period.
-Waking is such a gift.
-Quiet time is nesessary.
Okay.... 6:12 AM. Time to get up for church.
[EDIT]
I'll be taking the Job 28:28 with me all day. I love it when the Lord speaks to you through various ways. Anyone else experience that? Where He takes you in a roundabout way but it always leads back to Him and His Word? Completely bonkers and totally awesome!
Blogger is an interesting beast. No matter what I do, it wont let me unfollow blogs. I've tried again and again but it just wont let me. Neither can you block people from reading your stuff nor be blocked. In fact, you can "hidden follow" a blogger and they can do the same.
So you reading this, are you enjoying it? Me, not really. I should honestly go back to pen and paper (I'm an ardent supporter of letter writing/journaling), but I probably won't. Im too comfortable on a keyboard. The clacking of keys is soothing wouldn't you agree?
I'm going to look back on this post ten, twenty years from now (if the Lord hasn't return by then) and just laugh at the oddity that is this post. I hope you do, too blogger. Remind me in twenty years to dig up this treasure. For giggles at least.
Or for crap hits the fans moments where I want to be reminded of an ugly past. But what unnatural soul would want to be constantly reminded of his youthful behaviors?
No. That life should not be for you. Its true you did you really, really, really, dumb sh-stuff.
I mean really, really, really, rediculously dumb stuff.
But it doesnt not define you.
What defines you, is how you play the cards you are so graceously delt. You felt your heartstring snap, so now wrap them back together, duck tape and scriptures and tears your cement.
And then, when the quick drying's done... go on. And live. Knowing that we all are broken people, lost yet loved by a unbroken God, one familar with all our pains and hurts. All our tramas and trials. All our wounds that need suturing, He binds them all up. He's the great physican and His hands are firm yet gentle so why not just settle... in the middle of his hands. Within His life plan.
You, O man. Who think you know better, why not give that life to follow the planet setter, The Alpha, Omega, Beginning and End. And then... and then... watch Him create beauty from those ashes.
Jimmy Needham and Jeremy Passion have a concert next Friday. Next Friday is also open mic at church. Which both are good. The concert's funds will go to mission trips to mexico, while at the open mic, I have a chance to pour myself into my own local church as well as the attendees that night.
I guess now my happy problem is... who do I give these tickets to?
[EDIT]
I guess Im going again since the open mic was cancelled. Cool! I suppose I'll take my mom and sister. Plus, I'll be awesome to fellowship with some counselors from JesusWalk. So blessed! Thank you, Lord.
The question I have then is, why is one to do if there are no available single women at ones church?
I wonder if the writer of the picture remembers what it was like to be single? And more so... single in this day and age?
I will admit, I find the aspect of "dating around" awkward, but the same is to be said about "kissing dating goodbye". Personally my stance has changed and I wished that book didnt color my world now, but then Im also thankful because I know my top priority in terms of looking for a wife is that she love God. Sure, I might be limiting myself according to what the world thinks, but why should I care? The only opinion I care about, is God's.
[Edit]
After re-read the picture, I will happy agree with the writer. I am initially attracted to women because of how they look. Not being sexist at all (at least I hope not), but I know from my sisters and mom that to look good is no easy task.
But when the make up wipes away, when the eye shadow and mascara, blush and lipstick fade... will her bare face still be true beauty to you? If you can honestly say yes to that, young man, then maybe, just maybe, you have a chance.
And if in her heart you see the heart of God, chase after her for she may just be worth far more than rubies.
"And then what," demanded Phillip. "Tell me what comes after this? Fifty, sixty, seventy years we live on this planet. Toiling out some sort of legacy and for what?" He slamed his fist hard upon the table, its sound reverbarating across the decrepid library. "We don't even get to enjoy the fruits of our labor! So tell me, tell me Joshua, what happens after that?"
Smokey Norful- I Need You Now: http://youtu.be/CDpY-2M5dVo
She introduced me to this song way back when. I heard her sing it at church and the lyrics just hit me hard. Funny, I saw scanning through my old ipod (which by the way is selling for like 300 on ebay) and I found a playlist entitled "For the Depression." Fasinating how God speaks through song. Ill list the songs below...
As I was listening to "I need you now" her face came to the forefront of my mine. She was always a beautiful singer, lyricist, baker and woman in the Lord. I wish I didnt screw up that friendship. It was entirely my fault. I hope shes doing well.
Where ever she is Lord, just bless her.
Songs from the playlist "For the Depression."
-Times, tenth avenue north
-part the waters/i need thee every hour, Selah
-Take it All, Third Day
-I will hold my head high, Third Day
-Jesus Cares for Me, Bart Millard
Precious Lord, Take my Hand/just a closer walk with thee, Selah
-You're Everywhere, Third Day
-When Answers Arent Enough, choir song (author unknown)
-When The Rain Comes, Third Day
-My Hope is in You, Third Day
-His Eye Is On The Sparrow, Selah
-Cant Take the Pain, Third Day
-I Understand, Smokie Norful
-You Are Still God, Scott Krippanye
-God's Eyes, Rescue
-Be Still My Soul/What A Friend We Have In Jesus, Selah
-I Need You Now, Smokie Norful
-Faith Like That, Jonah33
-Be Thou Near to Me, Selah
-Be still and Know (that He is God), choir (author unknown)
-Cry Out to Jesus, Third Day
-Precious Lord Take My Hand, Bart Millard
-Be Thou My Vision, Selah
We caught you at the height of the Pokemon Craze
Mom said you caught her eye at the shelter
You had outlived your former owner
So we had you live with us
No need for pokeball, just immunization shots
White like calm clouds
But deaf in one ear
Your favorite food was french fries
And they had to be McDonalds
Always seated in the lap of luxury
The luxury being our laps
So perhaps
I'll see you one day soon
Hear your meow of affection and feel your sandpaper kisses
Nickname you Bubba and I still dont know why
All i know is, this aint goodbye
It's i'll see you later.
I learned a new word today. Analysis paralysis. It is the process of overthinking that stops one from reaching a certain goal.
I find myself doing this every time one ask if I will go back to school or take up writing again. I have a dream (if you want to call ut that) of being better than just a custodian... but I dont know how to get there.
A friend on my facebook, one who survived cancer, put it more elegantly.
Day started with me working out and Janelle helping me out with the shoulder workouts. After having a meal we all decided to go to the spot where Janelle and Roy had their engagement photos.
Oso Flaco Lake and Dunes with gorgeous! Actually, just to be out im Gods Creation was awesome. We took the trail all the way until it reached the beach. While there, Janelle and I played around near the water. She dared me to run towards the tide and run back up as the tide came in. I almost fell in! We also had a chance to watch people ride their quads and dune buggies and now it makes me want to join my co worker when he goes to Glamis. I think I might.
One the return home, Janelle and I lipsang to Nsync's "I want it that way" to hilarious results. I think we got caught singing cause someone honked at us. Haha oh well!
Arriving home, we ate again, took a nap and when we were all refreshed, went to go oit for our yearly tradition of Christmas Tree Cutting. Its always fun to pick out jist the right tree... and have the baby sis cut it down. As the tree was being prepared for us to take home, Janelle and Justine decided to ride on a giant see-saw. Justine was laughing so hard but she was also terrifed of falling off. We all acted like little kids again.
Getting home from the tree place, we decorated the tree and took a whole bunch of family pictures, to hilarious results!
After dinner, we played board games. Apples to apples and Coup. Janelle is definitely good at bluffing in Coup.
Now... time for bed. Thank you, Lord for this day. Such a joy and blessing.
So many things to be thankful about. First off, my loving family. So many laughs and jokes tonight. Playing cherades and board games. Things that pull us together and knit us closer to one another. Truly something to be thankful for.
Im thankful for the friendship of my kuya in Vegas. We both know that when push comes to shove and we need fresh honesty and support, we got each others back. We can be open and raw to each other. That's brotherly love right there.
Im also thankful for Roy, my sisters husband. I feel as if we've gotten closer this year. And Im glad we did.
~~~
Coming up here I asked my sister Justine and my mom, "can you name some things that you know Im good at?"
-writing
-cooking
-encouragimg others
-being funny
These are my strengths. So I mist make them stronger and aqquire more stremgths.
Today was such a chill day at work, but there was one moment that kind of caught me off guard so to speak. I was seated with my co workers and the topic of the conversation went to "dreams and goals in your life." My co worker John put it bluntly: Dont make this custodian work your career cause there's nothing here." My other co worker asked me, "Jude, dont you have any dreams and goals?"
I gave them the answer I always give, "I wanted to be a writer, but someone discouraged me and told me that was a fools dream so I began to tell myself 'then whats the use in persuing that dream if you say ill fail' so I stopped going to school and just started working."
It wasn't until later in the day when I relayed the conversation to my mother that I was given some honest truth.
"Jude," my mom said, "maybe it's because you don't have confidence in yourself."
I finally had to admit to myself after years of just deflecting answers that it all boiled down to that:
Confidence in myself. I lack confidence in many places. In talking to women, in writing poems, in finishing what I start.
No more. Today I declare that I will live with confidence. Confidence in my abilities, confidence in talking to the opposite sex, comfidence in my work, confidence in all that think, say or do. And this shall mot be am arrogant confidence, but a confidence rooted and grounded in humility, genuiness and above all, my God and King, Jesus Christ. I declare it and speak it into existence!
Just come to me in your frustrations
Be out with it
No need to fear.
Cause I already know what it is you're going through
All I ask, is you draw near.
Tonight has been a revelation for me. Interestingly enough, the hymn "I need thee" covered by Jason Lavik plays in the background. How true indeed. I need thee Lord I need thee, every hour. My folly is in my pride that says, "I can handle it, it's my burden." When really, the burden I have is just selfishness.
I had a conversation with my mother and the conversation went to the topic of money. Honestly I struggle with wants versus needs. I told my mom that I feel like we're just trying to stay afloat and she told me, "hey, dont you know God provides?"
But what I heard was, "Do you believe that provides?" Whats the diff between knowing and believing? For me one is a matter of the mind (headknowledge) and the other is a matter of the heart (faith in Christ). What a rebuke from the Lord! I was floored. I asked my mom if we could pray and to prevent the tears from flowing, I kept silently praying to myself saying, "Lord, help me be grateful. Help me be greatful."
Havent blogged in forever. Im weary about what I write, I dont know who will read my stuff, I care because of ill be judged for my thoughts.
It is a week before thanksgiving. A lot is on my mind. Been having dreams of the future and they sadden me. Dreams of my mom dying, dreams of not making ends meet. It doesnt help that this nagging neck pain and headache just wont go away.
I also have flash backs of people, its never ending like torment.
