A day for dads

I have a hard time with this day. Fathers day they call it. A day to celebrate the fathers.

I was in middle school when my dad left my mom. According to what I remember, he had a woman on the side.

It's painful because my world is colored because of it. I fear that one day I might do the same... just walk out and leave. And I have a couple of time in my frustration.

And perhaps this is why I have a hard time trusting God at His word, cause I couldn't trust my own father. Cause here I lay in my bed. My mom and sister are at church. I should be the one leading the example, at least... that's what I was always taught at church: that the father, the man of the house, leads his family.

I guess I am my fathers son.

The excerpt below is from a book called "Running Scared: Fear, Worry, and the God of Rest" by Edward T. Welch.

I am always, always forgetful of the goodness of God.

Remind me again, and again, and again of Your goodness.

Fear and worry

What do I fear? What do I worry about? Where am I putting my trust.

I am obviously not putting my trust in God. I fear being a failure to my family, to my church and that manifest itself in thoughts like, "I'll never find a girlfiend, no one will ever want me, if they knew my sins they would hate me."

As I voice these concerns to myself, it pains me. Why would I subject myself to such torture? Such false prophecies to myself.

God, teach me more about myself. Open my eyes to the deep seeded pain in my heart. I know it's there, I dont know how to explain it or put it into words.... but you know me. You know my heart. Open those flood gates.