Having been away from any form of church, I have seen how bitter and cynical I've become. It's punishingly sad.

I dont... remember what that part of my life was like.

It's... depressing.

Do you ever think you undercut yourself? Saying things like, "I don't deserve to be loved" or "I'll never be like such and such a person."

Why do we do that to ourselves? Speaking forth destructiveness... as if we believe it is what we deserve.

Speak life, my friend. Speak goodness and affirmation to yourself. And watch what happens. Watch you grow.

There will come a day when I will be completely alone. And on that day, a day of sadness too much to bear, two things may happen.

One, I will find my way out of the bog, dust myself off, and soar.

Or two, I will kill myself. End my existence.

The later cannot be me. Someone tell me it isnt real.

A day for dads

I have a hard time with this day. Fathers day they call it. A day to celebrate the fathers.

I was in middle school when my dad left my mom. According to what I remember, he had a woman on the side.

It's painful because my world is colored because of it. I fear that one day I might do the same... just walk out and leave. And I have a couple of time in my frustration.

And perhaps this is why I have a hard time trusting God at His word, cause I couldn't trust my own father. Cause here I lay in my bed. My mom and sister are at church. I should be the one leading the example, at least... that's what I was always taught at church: that the father, the man of the house, leads his family.

I guess I am my fathers son.

The excerpt below is from a book called "Running Scared: Fear, Worry, and the God of Rest" by Edward T. Welch.

I am always, always forgetful of the goodness of God.

Remind me again, and again, and again of Your goodness.

Fear and worry

What do I fear? What do I worry about? Where am I putting my trust.

I am obviously not putting my trust in God. I fear being a failure to my family, to my church and that manifest itself in thoughts like, "I'll never find a girlfiend, no one will ever want me, if they knew my sins they would hate me."

As I voice these concerns to myself, it pains me. Why would I subject myself to such torture? Such false prophecies to myself.

God, teach me more about myself. Open my eyes to the deep seeded pain in my heart. I know it's there, I dont know how to explain it or put it into words.... but you know me. You know my heart. Open those flood gates.

Dead inside

I sorrow even of life. Like, Im bored.

The Possibility of DnD

I am now pretty invested in Dnd. Going to start DMing with my sisters and Roy. Honestly, I started cause I can be something I'm not. Like a rouge. With assassin abilities.

What have I gotten myself into...

Nothing, just me talking to God...

Thank you for the opportunity to share poems today at the library. When I hear an audience laugh it feels really good. Like I'm connecting. Thank you for allowing me to meet Matthew and Boris. They are wonderful poets, I hope to meet them in the future.

I dont know how I felt about this Saturday. Feels like it just came and went. But Im glad I did get to play some games and also try out Little Wizards. I feel like I could run my own game with some kids.

But I'm really tired now God. Can you give me a good nights rest? Thank you God. You're awesome.

This Weekend Consisted of...

This.

Marriage?

I just have to get it off my chest. Why would you marry someone who doesnt even believe in God?

"Because I love him."

Bull. You love him/her more than God. Thats why your relationship is faulty. Because God is not in the center. Why would God bless that marriage? How can a man lead if he does not know his leader?

Just another reason on my list of reasons not to marry. One, marriage is only for this life and not the next. It is only for the purposes of procreation. I have enough evidences to tell me that marriage is not for me.

My mom and dad.
My sister and her husband.

Why then would I subject myself to such pain? I am not even confident in myself, what woman would want that?

No. Take that desire from me. Or better yet Lord, replace it with better thoughts of You and Your work for me. At least that will never run dry.

Discipline...

...myself for the purpose of Godliness. I currently struggle with discipline is all aspects of my life. But Lord, I entrust my life into your hands. Fill me, mold me, use me... for Your glory.

Amen.

Post Tough Mudder number 5.

It is currently 3:18 AM. To say I am sore is an understatement. I got aches and pains in places I didn't think I could have. But now, where do I start?

Yesterday was my first Tough Mudder of the 2015 season and of all places, it was at Glen Helen Raceway in San Bernadino--infamous for being the calf buster special.
The family and I awoke at about 430 AM. Unfortunately for me, I never went to bed. My mind was racing all night and I both ervous and excited. By 530 we were on the road and my 630 we made it to the venue.
Our run time was slated to be at 730, but my sister Janelle and I were waiting for our cousin to come. It cool to wait cause while waiting I ran into many friends I had made through Instagram via the Tough Mudder hashtag. It's always awesome to put an actual face to the pictures haha.

We finally started at 930, and although it was already blazing hot at the time, it was such a perfect time. While at the warm up area, Janelle and I quickly made a team of 4 which consisted of our new friend Bill, a former track coach and two date a five time Tough Mudder finisher (did I mention he was like 55 and diabetic... more on that later) and also a friend (whom I had no idea was going to be there) I had met through instagram, Jésus.

Remember when I said the course neing a calf buster? Well, at the first mile was an "obstacle" called the death march which had us bear crawling and hiking up at a 60° angle for about 150-200 yards. Bu that time we already saw 3 people bow out. It was nuts!

When we finally reached the top, I turned around and shouted to everyone on course, "They're trying try break us, Mudders! But we're not going to let them, right?" I got a loud "hoo-rah" and "No, we wont let them" from my fellow mudders on course.
From there, the course was a series pf intense ups and rocky, muddy downs. Coming to various obstacles was thriling and many required teamwork to get done. For example, the infamous Funky Monkey which they upgraded from a "simple" monkey bar climb at a 30° angle and back down again, to one that had a swing contraption at the peak of the climb onto a pole to climb back down. I swung too early, and reached out too soon which resulted in my fall into cold water. Totally worth it on that hot day.

As always, I made friends easily by sharing energy chews with people.  One such group was a team of Mudders who pinned up their hair and wore bright red lip stick.  I believed they were called Team Hot Mudders and they were all a group of moms.  Hot moms in fact haha.  They were cool ladies and we ran with them for a couple of miles helping each other during the rope rappelling and and the 12 foot wall.  I accidently kicked one of them in the chest coming down the wall and she said, "no, it's okay, I'm just lactating now.  Do you want a sip?  It's all natural and had vitamins and minerals!" Tempted as I was, I declined. I'm sure her husband wouldn't be pleased with that. 

To keep ourselves occupied and not think of the pain and cramping in our legs, my team chatted it up, joked around and told each other our stories.  From what I can recall, Bill was a former track coach who was about to join the Olympics when he had to join the military.  Jesus was running the course by himself (before he met us that is) and he came with his girlfriend.  We also gave each other nicknames.  Janelle was The Nurse, Bill was The Runner Specialist, Jesus we named The Happy, Smiley Strongman, and everyone agreed that I should be named The Boy Scout.

At mile 5, Bill had to take his insulin. When Janelle measured his level, it read 525!  By mile 6, Bill had to bite the bullet and graciously bowed out. Before we left him with the medical crew at Tough Mudder we told Bill, "We're doing this for you now, Bill.  We're going to finished strong so you finish strong too!" 

At mile 7, Janelle, Jesus and I had to do a fireman carry, but with us being down to a three man team we instead did a princess carry with Jesus and I carrying "princess" Janelle. At mile 7.5 I was cramping so bad that Janelle and I told Jesus to go on ahead and that we would catch up if possible, unfortunately we never did, but 8 Bill returned in full force!  When asked why he decided to come back he said, "I need to finish!  I can't leave my team!"  That was so encouraging for Janelle and I.

Also at mile 8 we two obstacles, Cry Baby and Swingers Club.

Cry Baby had us crawling into one end of a tarp covered wooden frame while being "tear gassed". It was actually quite pleasant. The gas was less than mild and had a feel of a misty Vick Vapor Rub or Ben-gay.  For the Swingers Club, we had to climb up this about 30 foot structure, jump and grasp a contraption that swung us across the water, and if we timed it right we would let go and ring a bell hanging at the end of a rope.  Bill had told me I was a foot short from the bell and Janelle totally swung and face-planted into the water.

At mile 9 we roped climb a 15 foot wall and at mile 10 were the final 3 obstacles Arctic Enema 2.0, Mount Everest 2.0 and Electroshock Therapy.

The upgrade to Arctic Enema, 2.0 had us sliding down into a container full of icy water (it was at 37.4 degrees when we took the plunge), go up and over a wall, and climb out on the other side.  When Bill and I hit the water we rushed out with the quickness as did Janelle.  She literally hurdled that wall in the middle!  The feeling of the water hurt like a shock to the senses and WOW did it feel so refreshing!  I told my teammates, "I think my man parts are stuck in my throat! How about you guys?" Bill replied, "Yeah me too! Jump up and down so your nuts will drop!" I think Janelle had the best response: "I didn't know I could scream at that octive!"

The upgrade to Mount Everest consisted of a curved lip at the top instead of the regular edge where normally you would reach for.  This time you were forced to run up the warped wall and grab hands, any hands that reach out for you. I was the first to go and when I went I was suppose to through my legs over to the side, but instead I found myself in a sort of upside down sit up position.  It was hilarious! I while holding on to some hands I had to do 2 sit ups before finally getting up and when I did, the crowd went wild with my success and I gave a loud roar or satisfaction.  With Bill being so tall, his run up the wall was effortless.  Janelle tried twice, and she was so close! Both times she was able to reach out and touch and hand, but wasn't able to fully make a grasp.  She was mad at her self but she said, "I'm going to do that again in the future! Next time I'll make it!"

Finally was Electroshock Therapy.  All I remember from that was the rushing through the wires, getting shocked, and diving over the two hay stacks and some kind of action hero. Bill powered through it, no problem and Janelle said she got shocked three times as was so disoriented that she kept running and covering her face when she was already passed the obstacle. 

Talk about satisfaction.  The headband at the end, the free beer (liquid carbs at it's finest) and the finishers shirt! We were sore, hungry, tired, but I tell you... the joy on all our faces and the send of satisfaction from finishing something so crazy and grueling at Tough Mudder.... wow.

I can't help but be thankful to God.  He held us through that course, gave us strength, and for Janelle and I provided us with two new friends. During the course I found myself singing praise songs and quoting Scripture and for the times I did it, the pain in my legs seemed to go away. Once again I'm reminded of the verses God gave me a day before Tough Mudder and it is here with the words of God I will end this post:

"Let your eyes look directly forward and your gaze be straight before you." ~Prov 4:25

"Do you not know that in a race all runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it." ~1 Corinthians 9:24

"He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up on wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."

The Writers Heart

"In my mind," he began, searching his head and heart for each careful word "I did it because I liked you."
"Then why didn't you just tell me, you fool!" She said in disgust."I'm not dumb, I already knew! So why couldn't you just tell me?"
"Because, I..."
"Because?"
"I was scared. Afraid you'd reject me. So I... I let my pen do the talking. But what does it matter? If I told you then what I've told you now, what would your answer have been?"

God speaks in Song

Just some of the songs God used to speak to me on my Friday night while at work

Cause Im already Married

Below is some wisdom I heard last night about married. It came by way of my cousin Mark.

Being a single man, I flutter between wanting to stay single and being married. Both are good and both have their drawbacks. Although, I'll admit, I believe married life is a different beast. And the examples from which I draw upon aren't that great.

My parents divorced when I was in middle school. Its hard living in two houses. And being so young, I thought "they shouldnt have divorced, thats against God!" Well, talk about being naive. But I tell you, them divorcing totally messed with my psyche.

But I am steeled in my conviction that I will not go that route. God help me. Amen.

As for the title of this post, well... isn't the church often referred to as the bride of Christ? So in that aspect, I'm already married.

Discipleship and Prayer Always Matter

Just unloading some thoughts this morning.  Been having discipleship meetings with Pastor Ramiah for about 3 weeks now.  Learning a lot about myself and about my faith.  Kind of re-learning actually.

I recently asked God, "why am I learning about discipleship and why am I teaching Sunday School about elementary principles that I should already know?"

God's answer?  "Because you DON'T know them."

"Concerning him we have much to say, and it is  hard to explain, since you have become dull of hearing.  For through by this time you ought to be teachers, you have need again for someone to teach you the elementary princciples of the oracles of God, and you have come to need milk and not solid food.  For everyone who partakes only of milk is not accustomed to the word of righteousness, for he is an infant.  But solid food is for the mature, who because of practice have their senses trained to discern good and evil." (Hebrews 5:11-14)

Ouch.  Yet I've been learning that milk isn't necessarily a bad thing.  God has been reminding me as of late that I MUST be steeped in milk---the Gospel of Christ.  It is the foundation by which everything else stands.  Plus, if I do not know the foundation stuff, how then could I teach it?

God also has me in constant prayer.  Like yesterday, I found myself praying for a friend that he wouldn't burn out from work and from the ministry.  I don't know how I knew to pray for him, but I did.  I told him about it and it was spot on!  He was indeed close to burning out and appreciated the prayers.  Even now as I type, God is bringing to mind all kinds of people, co workers, friends, and family.  For God's favor to them, for strength and endurance, for an outpouring of grace to some, and a reminder again of who He is in their lives.

Finally, God has been putting songs in my head and heart and I cannot help but worship him.  One song is Starfield's "Cry in My Heart" and the other is Brian Doerksen's "Light the Fire Again."

These are definitely cry's of my heart.

For the ladies...

"God delights in me. He delights in you. He is a good Dad who loves you and blesses you no matter what you did or didn’t do. Not an obligatory love, but a love that delights in who you are."

Quoted from "When God Gives Her a Husband and You're Still Single" by Ruthie Dean.

The article can be found here.

Sin Destroys Human Fellowship...

...according to Matthew 6:14-15.

"For if you forgive others for their transgressions (sin), your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions."

But what if I am the one who sinned against someone?

I know I did you wrong. You and so many others. And I know because of it, I turned away from the Lord. I knew my sinned cause harm, embarrasment, and bitterness.

Lord, do I then live with this guilt of my wrongdoing forever?

God, I needed to hear from You tonight...

Of course she has a boyfriend...

...she only invited you to hike cause of similar interest. And in the two weeks that you planned the hike she was able to hook up with some top heavy, tanktop wearing, cholo.

And in my mind I tell myself, "I told you so, Jude. I TOLD YOU!"

To Delete Means Forever

I just went through my contacts list and deleted 173 people I no longer talk to.

And it feels good. It's like saying, "I don't need you in my life anymore. Good riddance." I also deleted over 300 pictures. It seriously feels like a renewal or flush of sorts. Like bad juju be gone!

“Two little lines I heard one day,
Traveling along life’s busy way;
Bringing conviction to my heart,
And from my mind would not depart;
Only one life, ’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Only one life, yes only one,
Soon will its fleeting hours be done;
Then, in ‘that day’ my Lord to meet,
And stand before His Judgement seat;
Only one life,’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Only one life, the still small voice,
Gently pleads for a better choice
Bidding me selfish aims to leave,
And to God’s holy will to cleave;
Only one life, ’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Only one life, a few brief years,
Each with its burdens, hopes, and fears;
Each with its clays I must fulfill,
living for self or in His will;
Only one life, ’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last.

When this bright world would tempt me sore,
When Satan would a victory score;
When self would seek to have its way,
Then help me Lord with joy to say;
Only one life, ’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Give me Father, a purpose deep,
In joy or sorrow Thy word to keep;
Faithful and true what e’er the strife,
Pleasing Thee in my daily life;
Only one life, ’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Oh let my love with fervor burn,
And from the world now let me turn;
Living for Thee, and Thee alone,
Bringing Thee pleasure on Thy throne;
Only one life, “twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Only one life, yes only one,
Now let me say,”Thy will be done”;
And when at last I’ll hear the call,
I know I’ll say “twas worth it all”;
Only one life,’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last. ”

— extra stanza —

Only one life, ’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last.
And when I am dying, how happy I’ll be,
If the lamp of my life has been burned out for Thee.”
C.T Studd

Use of the word "cockblock" just makes the story funnier

Should I Date A Godly Woman I am Not Attracted to?

According to Ask Pastor John from Desiring God, I should pursue a Godly friendship first.

Makes sense because as a guy I dont want to lead a woman on (as I know I've done in the past). "Love comes softly" says a Christian Romance movie I once watched(Kathrine Hiegl was in it and I was crushing hard at the time, so yeah :P).

Friends first and if it develops into something more, they hey, praise the Lord. If not, you still have a friend.

You can lose a relationship, but friendships are a tad harder... unless of course you really screw up... like so... but thats a story for another time.

[EDIT]

Same time every year, the same scriptures every year. The bible says, "He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord" (Prov 18:22). It is the finding that is most difficult.

But let's say I did find her, but she is not what I imagine. Maybe this is because of my skewed imagination of who I thought I would make my wife. 

I really need to pray on this hard. 

[EDIT]

Things come full circle. I got called out on my dream and by prayer. Let's be real. I desire to be married one day. I really do. The only thing that is stopping me is myself. I have fears and apprehensions. Well... I guess I'll let the pictures speak for themselves.

P.O.V. (with thoughts)

Earlier today I wrote a poem (which is below). With that poem I asked a couple of questions

-which scenario is more realistic?
-which person do you see yourself as?
-could you accept the person or not? Why?

Half an hour later, God answers my questions with this article from Desiring God.

I know my misdeeds of the past. I know I've fallen short in terms of disciplining my sexual temptations. I see myself as the one asking the question in both poems. The first answer is what I'd long to hear, the second is what I fear.

I know God has forgiven me, but can my future spouse? Can i hold out while still burning?

Lord, help me.

Words

Words can build you up
Words can break you down
Start a fire in your heart or
Put it out

Let my words be life
Let my words be truth
I don't wanna say a word
Unless it points the world back to You

~Words, Hawk Nelson

~~~~~~
Was talking to Maica a few hours back. She expressed her desire to lose weight and honor the Lord according to her devotion she had last night.

She also expressed that there were toxic people in her life that God told her to get rid of. "It hurts when God tells you to get rid of people that you love."

I prayed that God would bring people into her life that would encourage her and build her up. People that would be a "balm to her soul."

She said she needed to hear that.

Words, written and spoken, are powerful. Bible says life and death are in the power of the tongue. I know this is a issue for me.

I often think my writing will not affect anyone, yet just now someone commented on my last poem (coping mechanism) that it "hit the spot." Does my writing build up or break down? Does my speech do the same? Heck, does this blog build up or break down? Can I encourage with what I write?

God, can my blog be used as a means to show the life of a Christian? Can it be used to build up and cause others to think deeply of their walk? Can my blog, poems, ect and all that is written and I will ever write, point to You?

Amen.

Coping Mechanisms (Poem) [EDIT]

Sometimes
When life gets unbearable
The pressure unavoidable
We revert
Back to old things
Old ways of thinking
Of living of being

Or

We fashion ourselves new toys to play
New reasons to get away
A plethora of answers to make us stay

The same

Because sudden change in our own little
Atmosphere
Brings us to that primal state
Fear

Because we know not how to cope
With loss of life and/or love

~~~~~~~~
I'm an observer. I like to people watch and see how they interact (or not interact) with each other. I often wonder why people post certain pictures or say certain things on Social Media. Apparently, it is bad form to call someone out on things or ask them bluntly why they do/say/think/write/post/ ect whatever it is they ect...

But sometimes, I do. I ask why. I'd like to believe some people seek the attention and want someone to ask them why. Others just want a reason to talk/vent so I would hope me asking "the why" would allow me to be the balm to their soul.

It's gotten me in more trouble than I'd like, but it is what I believe makes me unique. And in that way, I usually turn their thoughts into words and ideas. People are my launch pads for my poems and writings. I guess you could say I use people. But why does that always have to be seen in a negative connotation? Don't we all use each other at some point? You cannot tell me you've never used someone for something. Everyone does.

So... with that poem, yes I used someone. I observed what their life was like in a few still frames and post and gathered what I believed to see. It is about a young man who after having his heart broken, reverted back to childish things because he found comfort in that. And what more, he found likeminded individuals to join in his pain through play. Play is their medication.

Finally got to putting up those t shirt portraits I did with my dad. Looks pretty dang good.

Im such a sentimental man. Each shirt hold memories. Memories of victories and defeats, stuggles and accomplishments, friendships and hardships.

Wouldnt trade them for anything, these memories. They've molded me well.

God has molded me well.

Boredom kills

Kuya Mark in all his awesomeness! Hahaha

The Worst Example?

Hardly. Interesting talking to kuya Mark. Funny he calls me sensitive and he calls himself the opposite.

Questions were asked, "if you met a woman with a checkered past, would you give her the time of day?"

"We are total opposites."
"If I was there, Jude, Id be your wing man. I'd get you out of your shell!"
"Know that... to make me boisterous as yourself... would be a total fluster cluck."
"Yeah, naw! That's what I want!"

"...What Im asking of you, is to get your feet wet. Ultimate wingman!"
"...ok. Hitch!"
"You're having an anxiety attack just thinking about it, huh?"
"Yeah I... when... I mean... fudge, stop!"

The Week in a Wrap-Up

Very interesting week this week. So... I got into DnD. For the uninitiated, DnD is short for Dungeons and Dragons. Its a role playing game at its purest that involves you making a character amd during adventures, using your imagination and the roll of dice to decide your fate.

I had the most fun in creating characters. So far, Ive created two: A rouge, wood elf named Zamir (meaning Psalmist/Poet) and a Barbarian Half-Orc named Garagall. So much fun to create backstory and flesh out the characters and give them a personality.

Also this week, I turned old youth camp shirts into portraits. Actually, it was my dad and I (mostly my dad) who turned 11 shirts into works of art.

Also yesterday, I went to my first radio station. Asian Pop Hour at Cerritos College. I have a new found respect for those in radioland. So much work and time just flies.

Lastly, my left calf is still hurting. Went to therapy on wednesday and my PT gave some exercises to try. I have to learn to stay off my foot if I want this thing to heal by the Atlas Race in Febuary and Tough Mudder in March. Prayer request please!

Thankful that today is friday. Did my devotions, need to workout, eat, then help out my dad to get his truck. Gonna be a busy Friday. Thankful to God for it!

In Heat [EDIT]

Their bodies intertwined into a mass of sweat and passionately fierce kissing. She moaned breathlessly as he ran his tongue down her neck while proceeding to unclasp her under garments. She stopped his hand, "allow me" she whispered softly in his ear and in one smooth motion, release the clasp to her warm smooth breast.

Although it was dark his eyes could see the glistening of sweat trickling down her supple body. Instinctively he began to fawn over her nipples to which she let out a surpisingly seductive sound. It was ecstasy at its most raw form.

"Yes, yes, yes," she breathlessly replied. "Give it to me. Give it to me now." He guided himself into her, slowly at first until finally all of his member sunk deep into her like warm, sticky, sweet syrup. Then the rythmn of their bodies took control. Their breathing deepened, their bearts raced. Deeper and now with throbing force they pouned together as one. Their moans became screams of delight in one another, in the moment, in the passion. Heat rising, bodies trembling. "Yes, yes, yes," she screamed. "I'm.... I'm... Oh, yeeeeessssssss!"

He let himself release into her, trembling as he did so. She wrapped her legs around his waist as she too reached her peak, sqeezing with the force of a python coiling around its prey.

And at that, it was over. They slumped onto each other, breathless, tingling, statisfied.

~~~~~~
Wow. I've never EVER written something like this. It's interesting. As a Christian, something like this ought to make me blush, but it doesn't. I understand that sex is a fantastic thing... but I hold on to the belief it is to be in the confines of marriage. Outside that, it becomes I dunno. Something else, perhaps. Now, is this scene one of believers? Who knows. It could be.

The Cost of Compromise [EDIT]

Today I heard a great sermon (which can be found here) preached by Pastor Ramiah about "The Cost of Compromise" based on the story of Solomon with his 700 wives and 300 concubines. I love how this whole week God has been speaking to me about relationships, marriage, commitment, discipline, dicernment, and contentment. Learning how I, as a man, ought to prayerfully pursue the right woman i.e. a woman who has an intense love for God and the proclamation of the Gospel.

As a joke I mentioned to Pastor, "Solomon had 700 wives, 300 concubines, but no one ever mentions that he could had 1400 in laws!"

And here I am... looking for just one woman, no concubines, and at least two in laws! Haha

But in all seriousness, I currently struggle with compromise. It's the little things, you know? The stolen glances, the thoughts that flood my mind. Battling the flesh like crazy.

Along with that, I had a conversation with my sister about skeletons in ones closet and addictions.

"We all have skeletons. Even I got things I don't want my future spouse to know. Or even future girlfriend. If they knew... I know they wouldn't want anything to do with me."

Then I asked her, "Do you believe someone can become addicted to pornography? Could you date someone, let's say he's a Christian too, who struggles, but is also trying to quit his addiction to porn?"

Her answer, "No. I think that addiction is different. It's not like a drug or beer. I  mean, if he has someone like me, why would he want to look at other women? He should be satisfied with me, right? "

"Well," I said solemnly, "Now you know my struggle."

She could only look at me with a glare that spoke, "You're joking right?" A glare which turned into one part confusion and two parts disgusts, and a third part sadness.

"Now, you know. Now, you understand my struggle."

[EDIT]

A comment conversation from FB about the blog:

"Your sister is living proof that a wife will raise the bar for her husband.  Praise God that you have such a sibling.  I'm sure that was difficult u."

"Honestly, Eddie, it wasn't. It was almost like I knew where the conversation was going so I let it be. I honestly wanted her to hear that yes, her brother stuggles, but it does not define him. Christ defines him.

I didn't mention that during the convo we were in the car and mom... was in the back seat, silently listening.

Now that I think about it, I utterly hate my sin! I want to be able, with a clear conscience speak to my future spouse and not be ashamed every time I'm in front of a woman, worried that I might turn her into an object of my disgusting flesh.

I know this isnt me talking but the prompting of the Holy Spirit convicting me and yet bringing refreshement to my soul.

I guess the saying is true. Confession IS good for the soul."

Pop... Goes the Calf Muscle

So apparently I sprained my left calf muscle playing tennis yesterday. It was kinda scary. I had chased after a ball and then I heard and felt a loud "POP" and collapsed to the floor. Had my mom and justine pick me up from the park to go to urgent care. Two hours later, I was in crutches and an ace wrap.

I confess that I am slightly worried about my condiction, but Phillipians 4:4-7 comes to mind (and came to mind as it happened):

"4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Interestingly, I do feel a peace in the situation.

The biggest worry for me wasnt even about work, but Tough Mudder. While hanging out in my room, playing boardgames and watching K-dramas, my mom and baby sister asked, "How will you do your Tough Mudder now?"

My answer?

"If need be, wheel chair. If I must, crutches. If I have no choice, I'll crawl! I paid for that thing damnit and I'm going to do it! That's what makes me a Tough Mudder!"

I guess I'm a glutton for punishment. Naw... I just want my money's worth!