Long, Full Friday

Day started with me working out and Janelle helping me out with the shoulder workouts. After having a meal we all decided to go to the spot where Janelle and Roy had their engagement photos.

Oso Flaco Lake and Dunes with gorgeous! Actually, just to be out im Gods Creation was awesome. We took the trail all the way until it reached the beach. While there, Janelle and I played around near the water. She dared me to run towards the tide and run back up as the tide came in. I almost fell in! We also had a chance to watch people ride their quads and dune buggies and now it makes me want to join my co worker when he goes to Glamis. I think I might.

One the return home, Janelle and I lipsang to Nsync's "I want it that way" to hilarious results. I think we got caught singing cause someone honked at us. Haha oh well!

Arriving home, we ate again, took a nap and when we were all refreshed, went to go oit for our yearly tradition of Christmas Tree Cutting. Its always fun to pick out jist the right tree... and have the baby sis cut it down. As the tree was being prepared for us to take home, Janelle and Justine decided to ride on a giant see-saw. Justine was laughing so hard but she was also terrifed of falling off. We all acted like little kids again.

Getting home from the tree place, we decorated the tree and took a whole bunch of family pictures, to hilarious results!

After dinner, we played board games. Apples to apples and Coup. Janelle is definitely good at bluffing in Coup.

Now... time for bed. Thank you, Lord for this day. Such a joy and blessing.

Thanksgiving 2014

So many things to be thankful about. First off, my loving family. So many laughs and jokes tonight. Playing cherades and board games. Things that pull us together and knit us closer to one another. Truly something to be thankful for.

Im thankful for the friendship of my kuya in Vegas. We both know that when push comes to shove and we need fresh honesty and support, we got each others back. We can be open and raw to each other. That's brotherly love right there.

Im also thankful for Roy, my sisters husband. I feel as if we've gotten closer this year. And Im glad we did.

~~~
Coming up here I asked my sister Justine and my mom, "can you name some things that you know Im good at?"
-writing
-cooking
-encouragimg others
-being funny

These are my strengths. So I mist make them stronger and aqquire more stremgths.

Confidence

Today was such a chill day at work, but there was one moment that kind of caught me off guard so to speak. I was seated with my co workers and the topic of the conversation went to "dreams and goals in your life." My co worker John put it bluntly: Dont make this custodian work your career cause there's nothing here." My other co worker asked me, "Jude, dont you have any dreams and goals?"

I gave them the answer I always give, "I wanted to be a writer, but someone discouraged me and told me that was a fools dream so I began to tell myself 'then whats the use in persuing that dream if you say ill fail' so I stopped going to school and just started working."

It wasn't until later in the day when I relayed the conversation to my mother that I was given some honest truth.

"Jude," my mom said, "maybe it's because you don't have confidence in yourself."

I finally had to admit to myself after years of just deflecting answers that it all boiled down to that:

Confidence in myself. I lack confidence in many places. In talking to women, in writing poems, in finishing what I start.

No more. Today I declare that I will live with confidence. Confidence in my abilities, confidence in talking to the opposite sex, comfidence in my work, confidence in all that think, say or do. And this shall mot be am arrogant confidence, but a confidence rooted and grounded in humility, genuiness and above all, my God and King, Jesus Christ. I declare it and speak it into existence!

Help Me Be Greatful

Just come to me in your frustrations
Be out with it
No need to fear.

Cause I already know what it is you're going through
All I ask, is you draw near.

Tonight has been a revelation for me. Interestingly enough, the hymn "I need thee" covered by Jason Lavik plays in the background. How true indeed. I need thee Lord I need thee, every hour. My folly is in my pride that says, "I can handle it, it's my burden." When really, the burden I have is just selfishness.

I had a conversation with my mother and the conversation went to the topic of money. Honestly I struggle with wants versus needs. I told my mom that I feel like we're just trying to stay afloat and she told me, "hey, dont you know God provides?"

But what I heard was, "Do you believe that provides?" Whats the diff between knowing and believing? For me one is a matter of the mind (headknowledge) and the other is a matter of the heart (faith in Christ). What a rebuke from the Lord! I was floored. I asked my mom if we could pray and to prevent the tears from flowing, I kept silently praying to myself saying, "Lord, help me be grateful. Help me be greatful."

A place to jot my thoughts

Havent blogged in forever. Im weary about what I write, I dont know who will read my stuff, I care because of ill be judged for my thoughts.

It is a week before thanksgiving. A lot is on my mind. Been having dreams of the future and they sadden me. Dreams of my mom dying, dreams of not making ends meet. It doesnt help that this nagging neck pain and headache just wont go away.

I also have flash backs of people, its never ending like torment.