Having been away from any form of church, I have seen how bitter and cynical I've become. It's punishingly sad.

I dont... remember what that part of my life was like.

It's... depressing.

Do you ever think you undercut yourself? Saying things like, "I don't deserve to be loved" or "I'll never be like such and such a person."

Why do we do that to ourselves? Speaking forth destructiveness... as if we believe it is what we deserve.

Speak life, my friend. Speak goodness and affirmation to yourself. And watch what happens. Watch you grow.

There will come a day when I will be completely alone. And on that day, a day of sadness too much to bear, two things may happen.

One, I will find my way out of the bog, dust myself off, and soar.

Or two, I will kill myself. End my existence.

The later cannot be me. Someone tell me it isnt real.

A day for dads

I have a hard time with this day. Fathers day they call it. A day to celebrate the fathers.

I was in middle school when my dad left my mom. According to what I remember, he had a woman on the side.

It's painful because my world is colored because of it. I fear that one day I might do the same... just walk out and leave. And I have a couple of time in my frustration.

And perhaps this is why I have a hard time trusting God at His word, cause I couldn't trust my own father. Cause here I lay in my bed. My mom and sister are at church. I should be the one leading the example, at least... that's what I was always taught at church: that the father, the man of the house, leads his family.

I guess I am my fathers son.

The excerpt below is from a book called "Running Scared: Fear, Worry, and the God of Rest" by Edward T. Welch.

I am always, always forgetful of the goodness of God.

Remind me again, and again, and again of Your goodness.

Fear and worry

What do I fear? What do I worry about? Where am I putting my trust.

I am obviously not putting my trust in God. I fear being a failure to my family, to my church and that manifest itself in thoughts like, "I'll never find a girlfiend, no one will ever want me, if they knew my sins they would hate me."

As I voice these concerns to myself, it pains me. Why would I subject myself to such torture? Such false prophecies to myself.

God, teach me more about myself. Open my eyes to the deep seeded pain in my heart. I know it's there, I dont know how to explain it or put it into words.... but you know me. You know my heart. Open those flood gates.

Dead inside

I sorrow even of life. Like, Im bored.