Finally got to putting up those t shirt portraits I did with my dad. Looks pretty dang good.
Im such a sentimental man. Each shirt hold memories. Memories of victories and defeats, stuggles and accomplishments, friendships and hardships.
Wouldnt trade them for anything, these memories. They've molded me well.
God has molded me well.
Hardly. Interesting talking to kuya Mark. Funny he calls me sensitive and he calls himself the opposite.
Questions were asked, "if you met a woman with a checkered past, would you give her the time of day?"
"We are total opposites."
"If I was there, Jude, Id be your wing man. I'd get you out of your shell!"
"Know that... to make me boisterous as yourself... would be a total fluster cluck."
"Yeah, naw! That's what I want!"
"...What Im asking of you, is to get your feet wet. Ultimate wingman!"
"...ok. Hitch!"
"You're having an anxiety attack just thinking about it, huh?"
"Yeah I... when... I mean... fudge, stop!"
Very interesting week this week. So... I got into DnD. For the uninitiated, DnD is short for Dungeons and Dragons. Its a role playing game at its purest that involves you making a character amd during adventures, using your imagination and the roll of dice to decide your fate.
I had the most fun in creating characters. So far, Ive created two: A rouge, wood elf named Zamir (meaning Psalmist/Poet) and a Barbarian Half-Orc named Garagall. So much fun to create backstory and flesh out the characters and give them a personality.
Also this week, I turned old youth camp shirts into portraits. Actually, it was my dad and I (mostly my dad) who turned 11 shirts into works of art.
Also yesterday, I went to my first radio station. Asian Pop Hour at Cerritos College. I have a new found respect for those in radioland. So much work and time just flies.
Lastly, my left calf is still hurting. Went to therapy on wednesday and my PT gave some exercises to try. I have to learn to stay off my foot if I want this thing to heal by the Atlas Race in Febuary and Tough Mudder in March. Prayer request please!
Thankful that today is friday. Did my devotions, need to workout, eat, then help out my dad to get his truck. Gonna be a busy Friday. Thankful to God for it!
Their bodies intertwined into a mass of sweat and passionately fierce kissing. She moaned breathlessly as he ran his tongue down her neck while proceeding to unclasp her under garments. She stopped his hand, "allow me" she whispered softly in his ear and in one smooth motion, release the clasp to her warm smooth breast.
Although it was dark his eyes could see the glistening of sweat trickling down her supple body. Instinctively he began to fawn over her nipples to which she let out a surpisingly seductive sound. It was ecstasy at its most raw form.
"Yes, yes, yes," she breathlessly replied. "Give it to me. Give it to me now." He guided himself into her, slowly at first until finally all of his member sunk deep into her like warm, sticky, sweet syrup. Then the rythmn of their bodies took control. Their breathing deepened, their bearts raced. Deeper and now with throbing force they pouned together as one. Their moans became screams of delight in one another, in the moment, in the passion. Heat rising, bodies trembling. "Yes, yes, yes," she screamed. "I'm.... I'm... Oh, yeeeeessssssss!"
He let himself release into her, trembling as he did so. She wrapped her legs around his waist as she too reached her peak, sqeezing with the force of a python coiling around its prey.
And at that, it was over. They slumped onto each other, breathless, tingling, statisfied.
~~~~~~
Wow. I've never EVER written something like this. It's interesting. As a Christian, something like this ought to make me blush, but it doesn't. I understand that sex is a fantastic thing... but I hold on to the belief it is to be in the confines of marriage. Outside that, it becomes I dunno. Something else, perhaps. Now, is this scene one of believers? Who knows. It could be.
Today I heard a great sermon (which can be found here) preached by Pastor Ramiah about "The Cost of Compromise" based on the story of Solomon with his 700 wives and 300 concubines. I love how this whole week God has been speaking to me about relationships, marriage, commitment, discipline, dicernment, and contentment. Learning how I, as a man, ought to prayerfully pursue the right woman i.e. a woman who has an intense love for God and the proclamation of the Gospel.
As a joke I mentioned to Pastor, "Solomon had 700 wives, 300 concubines, but no one ever mentions that he could had 1400 in laws!"
And here I am... looking for just one woman, no concubines, and at least two in laws! Haha
But in all seriousness, I currently struggle with compromise. It's the little things, you know? The stolen glances, the thoughts that flood my mind. Battling the flesh like crazy.
Along with that, I had a conversation with my sister about skeletons in ones closet and addictions.
"We all have skeletons. Even I got things I don't want my future spouse to know. Or even future girlfriend. If they knew... I know they wouldn't want anything to do with me."
Then I asked her, "Do you believe someone can become addicted to pornography? Could you date someone, let's say he's a Christian too, who struggles, but is also trying to quit his addiction to porn?"
Her answer, "No. I think that addiction is different. It's not like a drug or beer. I mean, if he has someone like me, why would he want to look at other women? He should be satisfied with me, right? "
"Well," I said solemnly, "Now you know my struggle."
She could only look at me with a glare that spoke, "You're joking right?" A glare which turned into one part confusion and two parts disgusts, and a third part sadness.
"Now, you know. Now, you understand my struggle."
[EDIT]
A comment conversation from FB about the blog:
"Your sister is living proof that a wife will raise the bar for her husband. Praise God that you have such a sibling. I'm sure that was difficult u."
"Honestly, Eddie, it wasn't. It was almost like I knew where the conversation was going so I let it be. I honestly wanted her to hear that yes, her brother stuggles, but it does not define him. Christ defines him.
I didn't mention that during the convo we were in the car and mom... was in the back seat, silently listening.
Now that I think about it, I utterly hate my sin! I want to be able, with a clear conscience speak to my future spouse and not be ashamed every time I'm in front of a woman, worried that I might turn her into an object of my disgusting flesh.
I know this isnt me talking but the prompting of the Holy Spirit convicting me and yet bringing refreshement to my soul.
I guess the saying is true. Confession IS good for the soul."
Found this blog post from Desiring God. The entire article is great. This was just one of the quotes that stood out.
"Every person who marries is a sinner, so the search for a spouse isn’t a pursuit of perfection, but a mutually flawed pursuit of Jesus."
Tullian Tchividjian, pastor and author of many grace-laden books:
The gospel is God’s good-news announcement that Jesus has done for sinners what sinners could never do for themselves. The gospel doxologically declares that because of Christ’s finished work for you, you already have all the justification, approval, security, love, worth, meaning, and rescue you long for and look for in a thousand different people and places smaller than Jesus.
The gospel broadcasts the liberating truth that God relates to us based on Jesus’ work for us, not our work for him; Jesus’ performance for us, not our performance for him. Because Jesus came to secure for us what we could never secure for ourselves, life doesn’t have to be a tireless effort to justify ourselves. He came to rescue us from the slavish need to be right, rewarded, regarded, and respected. He came to relieve us of the burden we inherently feel to “get it done.” The gospel announces that it’s not on me to ensure that the ultimate verdict on my life is pass and not fail.
Had and interesting conversation is a friend on said topic. For myself, I have trouble with forgiving myself.
I know of many foolish things Ive said and done. It is all in the past of course, and the past cannot be changed. It can of course be learned from.
I can be reconciled with my God, yes. Why then does it pain me to not be reconciled with others? How many times have others told me to "let it go because they have."
God, teach me your truths in these situations.
"...Lord, bring to me a sweetness surpassing all the seductive delights that I once pursued. Enable me to love you with all my strength that I may clasp your hand with all my heart. . . . You, Lord, are my king and my God."
I'm just so bitter God. Peter at myself better at life better at f****** being. I don't even know what the f*** I'm talking about anymore. Because I keep looking back seeing what my past is stronger than seeing what my future holds. I've been told that you want honesty from a person how much are honest can I get god I hate my f****** life.
And I'm on the edge of ending it all.
[EDIT]
If you are reading this right now. Know that the above is not me talking, but rather my depression. I would ask please that you pray for me. That I would come back to His Word for in it is life. That I would reject these negative emotions and turn again to Christ in faith, believing that He still loves me and wants the best for me. I feel like im dying inside. Pray for me please.
Give me a revelation
Show me what to do
'Cause I've been trying to find my way
I haven't got a clue
Tell me should I stay here
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without you
I've got nothing without you
That use to be one of my favorite choruses from Third Day's song "Revelation"
Now, I dont know. Theres a verse i the bible that says, "not everyone who says to me Lord, Lord, will enter the kingdom of heaven.
I always wondered... maybe that person... is me?
If I keep subjecting myself to the same mistakes of the past?
Proverbs 26:11 comes to mind, "Like a dog that returns to its vomit, is a fool who repeats his folly."
That would make me a fool, a stupid, an idiot, an.... well, you get the point.
In Romans 12:16 Paul implies that we there will be people with whom we cannot live peaceably with.
I use to quote this verse often in the early days of leaving PCC, "Well, I cant leave in peace cause of them."
The truth is, I am the one at fault. Controversy for controversy does not breed peace. I am the trouble maker. Pride and shame hold me back from confessing my sins.
Roughly my sister Justine and I are ten years apart. But for some reason I feel like she understands my thoughts and attitude towards life and I feel I'm in a good position to impart to her wisdom.
Tonight on the drive home my sister and I talked about a lot of things, my dream I had in the morning, our failed crushes moments, kpop, and the light polution comparision of LA and Santa Maria. My sister is awesome.
My family and I were headed to a wedding. We picked up Kim Tan on the way. At the wedding were all the pcc members. For reasons beyond me I was seated next to daniel.
He was mean muggin me the whole time. As I was going around I could hear whispers saying, "and he thinks a smile will make everything alright" and "what is that church ruiner doing here?"
People were taking pictures but with some basketball player and I was trying to take pictures of Cholo and this basketball player but my camera wasnt working.
Twice in a row Daniel "accidentally" spilled something on me. I brushed it off, the third time he stood behind me and held a glass to the back of my neck. I couldnt take it anymore and flipped backward on my seat making him fall over and drenching him in fruit punch.
By then everyone knew what was going on. It was getting real akward at our table. Still I kept the ruse that i was oblivious to everything. I finally got next to my mom and whispered, "let's go, we are leaving," She started getting mad, "why, what's wrong?"
"Nothing. I'll tell you in the car now let's go!"
"No, I don't want to go."
"Mom, I'm not wanted here! They dont want me here."
"I know... then leave."
We finally left the wedding. My mom was upset, Justine was confused, and Kim was in tears asking, "why do you have to leave kuya? Why?"
"Because Kim, it's all my fault. I'm not wanted."
My interpretation of the dream is as follows:
-The wedding represents union or even reunion.
-The basketball player? Perhaps joy, riches, fame.
-Daniel. Conflict, something that must be resolved.
-Kim. People who are for me, who generally want my well being.
-The whispers. People who are against me, who want my destruction.
During the summer of 2014, I was fortunate to be a youth group counselor for a conference called JesusWalk. It was basically a 3 day summer camp where youth and even college aged peeps would fellowship and learn more about God.
I was given the unbelievable task of being a group counselor to the 9th-10th graders. My group was called the penguins!
Well during the last night of the event my fellow counselor and I had our kids write themselves letters. Something they wanted to say to the Lord. We didnt open those letters and told them when the new years came around, we would send those letters back. I also sent a letter along side their own and gave my contact info on the off chance they might want to hit me up... well, one of them did.
And now it makes me want to earnestly pray for them all.
Cute pictures of animal frolicking in the grass ? Like.
Babies laughing? Like.
Mud runs and marathons? Like.
Anime and Kpop? Like.
The rants of a buddy talking about how much he hates like the life he's living and wishes everyone would understand? Like.
People expressing their "honest opinions" as if they just became political analyst the night before? Like... umm no.
